Jennifer Breheny Wallace’s published book, Never Enough: When Achievement Culture becomes toxic and what to do about it really hit home for me both personally and professionally. I have been working with teens for almost 30 years and I currently have three young adult children of my own; two in college and one who just graduated from college last spring. The pressure is real. Parenting today is different from twenty- thirty years ago. Parents today feel a an obligation to be more involved, hands-on and to be on top of their children’s activities and achievement both in-and-out of the classroom.

This starts at an early age but when I meet with families of teenagers, I often learn of how much this pressure has affected them. The anxiety has been developing for decades and parents have been feeling it grow. With the development of globalization and hypercompetition, parents feel they need to be involved in every step of their child’s development and achievement to prepare them for their future.

Parents link their success to their child’s achievements which in turn puts pressure and causes anxiety.

What can parents do to help their teen feel less anxious, more confident and happy?

Here are some tips:

Tell your teen that they matter. They are special just the way they are and no matter how high their achievement goes, they are special none-the-less. Mattering, according to Breheny Wallace, is the most important action a parent can take to help their teen feel loved and build self-esteem.
Minimize Criticism: I always tell my students that the most important voice they listen to is their ‘inner-voice’. How parents talk to their children helps develop that inner-voice. Speak with supportive words.
Add Value: Make time to ask your teen how their day was? Ask about a small moment, not just how was a test or quiz which can make the teen feel that achievement is the only thing that matters to the parent.
Accountability for one’s actions: This is true for all in the family. Parent and teen anre accountable for their own actions. So parents, instead of solving every problem for your teen, ask them how they will solve the problem- give them agency to solve their problems and help them only when needed.
Self-Care: Make sure to take care of yourself. You will not be able to be a loving, supportive parent if you do not take care of yourself first.
Seek help when needed: Today’s Generation Z is comfortable seeking help when they feel they need it. Don’t be a barrier to that as older generations are typically not accustomed to seeking professional help as easily. Mental health problems need to be addressed immediately.